Election Day guide for United Statesians

I cheerfully stole this from The Onion right here. But since clicking is such a pain in the ass, read on:

Tuesday is Election Day. Here are some pointers to keep in mind when heading to the polls:

• If at all possible, vote before work. That way, you can make smug comments to non-voters all day long.
• The new electronic voting machines are complicated. But don't worry: Octogenarians will be on hand to troubleshoot any technological problems that might arise.
• If your election official hooks you up to a machine via a needle in your arm, you are actually donating blood.
• Tip for those on the go: Voting a straight ticket can save you up to 15 seconds.
• Remember that, as a member of a participatory democracy, you have a duty to make your voice heard on - Election Day. If you find that idea hard to grasp, think of it like the lotto: You can't win if you don't play.
• Don't wear dress shoes. They leave black scuff marks on gymnasium floors.
• Voting is no longer considered uncool. Note that it is not cool, either.
• Many newspapers offer sample ballots. Buy 10 copies and practice, practice, practice.
• Remember to vote, or P. Diddy will kill you.
• This is one of the most important elections in recent times, so it's best if you just leave it up to the pros.
• When voting, you don't need to dress up in a scary costume or hand out candy. That happens two days earlier.
• You might think it's funny, but it's disrespectful to submit write-in candidates like "Don Knotts," "Mickey Mouse," or "Michael Badnarik."
• Remember to take the day off to vote. And the day before, to psyche up. And the morning after, to dry out.
• If you are black and a resident of Florida, work out two or three alternate routes to your polling place to avoid police checkpoints.
• The most important thing is to vote your conscience.
• Okay, this is your conscience speaking: "Vote Nader. Vo-o-o-o-ote Nader."
• If you are a Flintstone, make sure to put the granite slab arrows-first into the dinosaur's mouth.
• If you live in Florida, for Christ's sake, look at the ballot very, very carefully this time.
• Education is the issue Americans say is most important. Find someone with one of those to read the ballot to you.
• Keep in mind that the name of every person who votes against George Bush is going to be read aloud on television the next time we're attacked by terrorists.
• If you don't know where the polling place is in your district, just try to remember the ugliest, dingiest, most depressing building in a three-mile radius. That's probably it.

What To Bring

Remember to bring proper identification to the polls. This can be:

• Driver's license or your chauffeur
• Passport and photos of your boyfriend in Paris
• SuperVoter discount card
• Note from president
• Proof that your grandfather voted
• Retinal scan or your alderman's retinas
• Two Iraqi scalps
• Receipt for your shoes
• Videotape of your first steps
• Halliburton employee ID
• Birthday card from grandmother
• Pint of sperm for DNA-identification purposes
• Casserole dish to pass
• A good friend who can totally vouch for you
• Signed $20 bill
• Autographed celebrity photo inscribed with your name

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And now, my opinions on the upcoming election and various bits that I feel like picking on.

You folks south of the border, I feel sorry for you. Despite a lack of a real choice at the polls, you have to go and poke holes in paper or use those random number generators (oops, are those called touch screen voting stations?) and basically decide if you want Bush, or no Bush.

The answer, obviously, is no Bush. But I'm not sure that Kerry is going to be all that shit-hot either. Mind you, based solely on the three debates I watched, Kerry would be my pick.

Number one - you guys need to do something about your foreign policy. Seriously, you're pissing people off something awful. And no, they're not jealous of you. Possibly a good rule of thumb for how you you interact with other nations is this: if you'd be pissed off if another country did it to you, then don't do it.

This means if you wouldn't want North Korea to be spending money to influence your election, you ought not to be doing it there. Simple enough?

The Kyoto Accords. What, in fact, is the big problem? You guys have 5% of the world's population, and better than 25% of the world's pollution stinks its way out from your borders. Sheesh! Even Russia signed on to Kyoto!

Granted, it's not like they're ever going to inspect anything and post their numbers, but at least it's a start!

Oh, and the World Court. I can understand why you wouldn't want to sign on to that. You have stepped on a lot of toes over the years, and it's those limping people with the squished feet and the long memories that might be standing in judgement. Makes sense that you wouldn't put your people in a position to be judged with consequences. See the above suggestion on how to run your foreign policy.

Now, as much as this is going to smack of socialism (which in recent months I've learned is a dirty word to many of those in the fifty States), have a listen on how to be somewhat better world citizens:

You guys are wealthy. Wealthy. But that isn't all due to hard work and blessings from above. Time to pay back your fellow man. You give aid and money to all sorts of places. That's fantastic, don't stop. But looking at your wealth per capita versus your foreign aid per capita, you're coming up way short compared to your contemporaries.

But charity starts at home, doesn't it? With all of that fabulous wealth, there are people who are hungry and can't afford a place with both a roof and heat. Fix that. Like, now-ish.

Now, forgive all of that foreign debt. You don't need the money, and it's really just penalizing people that aren't ever going to be able to pay it off. Or rather, their non-representational governments pass the cost on to their citizens with remarkably little to show for it. Since when is it cool for you to steal pennies from a homeless guy's hat?

Still with me? Really? No way can you be from the US. ;)

Stop expanding your military. Use what you have more effectively. That does not include "pre-emptive strikes against potential aggressors". Meaning, you don't get to level and invade a country that might someday bring a grenade to the doors of your consulate.

To hell with NAFTA. That's effectively worked out to be money flowing into the US from Canada and Mexico. The "Free" part refers to how well the one-way wealth flows. Pursue Fair Trade instead. Look it up if you're unfamiliar with the concept. My brother Rickets turned me on to the idea, and I like that the theory is that the people that produce are the ones who make the money. Radical, eh?

Capital punishment. For a country that often identifies itself as Christian, I don't know how it became okay to kill people when it's not self defense. That's not punishment, that's vengeance. That's revenge. Grow up, you're not on the playground anymore. Those people you're executing are products of your country and your culture. If you're going to make them, then you have to live with them. If they're actually mentally ill, then they're sick and you don't kill people who need medical treatment. Capiche?

Abortion. Women were having abortions before it was legal. That put the woman in danger. Let the women go to doctors please. If they have a partner, of course the partner gets an opinion. But the final decision rests with the woman. You don't get to make that decision for her.

However, abortion shouldn't be used in lieu of condoms, birth control pills, Depo shots, or the multudinous other birth control methods that are cheap and easily available. Don't be so lazy, buy some freaking rubbers! If you've used protection and somehow still ended up in a family way, you haven't been lazy. Exercise whatever option is best for you.

People of "non-traditional" sexual orientation. They're just people like the rest of us. Marriage (regardless of what you call it) is a contract between two people. If both parties are legally able to sign a contract, then they ought to be able to get married. That's a government-accepted marriage I'm talking about of course. If your local church (as a private organization) doesn't want to marry certain people, that's up to the church. It may suck, but it's as fair as you deciding not to include carrots the next time you offer a vegetable platter to your guests. Nice comparison, eh? :)

Health care. I'm in Canada, and even though we're staggering under the financial costs of maintaining our system, we still want it. Sure, we'd like aspects of how it's run to be changed, but I doubt there's many that would want national healthcare abolished. You guys really ought to consider not making health so much of a business.

Mind you, I don't buy bottled water for the same reason - because people can't live without water and thus it shouldn't be a commodity. It's not a luxury item after all.

Gun control. Lose the concept of allowing people to carry concealed. No automatic weapons or wacky ammunition either. In fact, I'd be delighted if you got rid of pistols of all sorts. You're not hunting deer with those, you wacky nuts. When your murder-via-gun per capita rate comes down to a less unreasonable level, you can have your toys back.

Wow, this rant went on and on, and wasn't amusing or even insightful. Sorry about that, and feel free to tell me how wrong I am via comments. :)