Humans live best when each has his place to stand, when each knows where he belongs in the scheme of things and what he may achieve.

Destroy the place and you destroy the person.

The meeting, for those who are interested:

Apparently The Sleeper was upset that I don't talk to him. So he said "I'm asking you straight to your face why that is."

So I told him. I cited numerous examples of why I find it much less taxing to just not have conversations with him. Some of the examples I've blogged at various times, and others I hadn't. His response to each and every one of those?

"I don't recall doing/saying that."

His reason for being such a dick to me all of this time?

"One time you came in for a shift change, and you gestured out the window at one of the bike patrol guys and said to me `Why is he sitting there?'."

"Yes, and?"

"Well, I just didn't feel it was appropriate. It's none of our business as to why he was sitting there."

And Barney, the S/S, appeared to back him up!

And of course, The Sleeper was all peaches and cream around Barney. Sleeper looked at me and said "I've met people from all over the world, and I get along with 99% of them. Maybe you're just that one percent that doesn't get along with me, I don't know. But I'm as cordial and courteous to people as they are to me."

Perhaps it wasn't the most correct thing to do, given the skewed nature of meetings in general, but I told the bare-faced truth. I looked at him and said, "Well, that just hasn't been my experience with you."

His response?

"You have to stop bringing up the past and start dealing with the now."

Uh, wasn't the point of this meeting to figure out where the problem came from so we could deal with it? Ass.

By the posture and gestures of Barney, he was clearly eyeballing me. Expounding on something The Sleeper said, he said "Rimmy, you guys have to get along. If that means you have to be less sarcastic around The Sleeper, then that's what you've got to do." Et cetera.

At that point, The Sleeper just got up and left, and I guessed that meant the meeting was over. As Barney and I were rising, I said "While I tend to describe things fairly sarcastically, I don't think I've been overly sarcastic with you or The Sleeper."

And he said the strangest thing. He cocked a half-smile and said "Yeah well, those guys don't like sarcasm."

"What guys?" I asked, wondering if he was referring to guards that had done time at some particular site.

"East Indians. They hate sarcasm."

Eep.

Ah well, he dangled the possibility of a raise for the end of June, but I won't count on that. I think that since I'm well past my probation period, I might just ask to be evaluated and maybe I can get one now. Better in my pocket than somebody else's.

Now that everything was resolved (most sarcastic possible emoticon here - shit! Barney was right!) I turned my thoughts to the Romanian. If Indian Guy had thought that I had set his client (evil property manager) against them, maybe the Romanian thought the same. So after finishing my first round, I headed down to the lobby and caught the Romanian and the new guy (Buffalo Kisser has taken over Indian Guy's shifts, and this new guy has taken over Buffalo Kisser's. Make sense? I didn't think so) who is really nice and resembles a cross between Tommy Chong and Mr. Mackey. Seriously.

Anyway, I asked The Romanian if things were jake between us, and told him why I was asking. He was mystified.

"Who did Evil Property Manager complain about?"

I couldn't tell him, because I didn't know. He said nobody had told him, and he speculated on who the complaint was against, and why. He figures Buffalo Kisser for sitting on his ass in the lobby in the mornings yelling into his cell phone in Punjabi.

I don't know about all that, but at least he wasn't tense with me. :P

Uneventful night at work, as usual.

I got home, in a mood to rip someone up at Fido, and what do I find? An sms from about half an hour before I got home saying "Thank you for your payment. The restriction for non payment on your account has been removed."

Fuckers.

I didn't pay squat, and wanted to argue about some compensation. But what am I supposed to do now? They yanked my main bargaining chip. Ah well, I'm sure it'll happen again.

She's gone.

It was pretty obvious that she didn't feel for me what I feel for her. And whatever it is that she needs or wants, it was clear she wasn't finding it in me. So she's gone.

No as-close-to-lifelong commitment as possible for us. No being a dad for me.

No coming home from working all night and seeing her sleeping there, knowing I'm doing it for her instead of just doing it.

Just... "no".

The trouble with opening yourself up is that you're not able to defend when blow comes. And goddamn it hurts. Especially when you just can't shelve how you feel about her.