Let's see, do we have everything? Toucans, two cans, directions to Cannes...

It becomes more an effort to go to work each week. I'm tired of the routine, I'm tired of training person after person and having them seem to be unable to grasp what it is that they're supposed to do (walk everywhere, check all doors), I'm tired of fighting my own company when they should be less combative when I ask for something, such as more report sheets.

And there's the undeniable fact that we're out of there soon. Despite all of the above, it's a mixed blessing at best.

A little over a year ago my site (indeed, all of the company's sites) got bought out by another company, and the parent company has been bringing the various locations into line with its own procedures.

And now... it's finally time to do my site.

It'll get a bit smaller, meaning they're going to get rid of one of the floors. They're going to gut the cafeteria and get rid of the company that administers it (bye bye, Cafeteria Lady!). It'll be a smaller affair, one with lower operating costs and probably less of a money sink.

Rooms will be demolished. Others will be build. Cubicle styles will change. There'll be new carpets in the company colours.

And security will be ditched.

Mine is the only site of all of them that actually has its own security. The rest rely on the security provided by the landlord. Of course in this case that would be Evil Property Manager's highly elite bike patrol guys, who have featured such elite members as DiceGimp, Buffalo Kisser, the Romanian, Polish Guy, Indian Guy, Old Hippie, Wet Shirt French Guy, I Know We're From Different Companies Rimmy, But Just Give Me My Orders Man, Door Pounder, Captain Complainer, and other guest stars too brief or too sad to mention now.

Note that in Vancouver, we're all about property crime. If you don't nail it down, it'll be swiped. If you do nail it down, the nails will be taken for scrap, and it'll still be swiped.

Of course, the landlord will tell you that they have excellent security, and that during the night they have two guards - one dedicated to roaming around the exteriors, and the other doing both exteriors and interiors.

That's got to sound good, right?

I know the cafeteria will be gone in September. When we go, I'm sure Cookie Monster (who's chafed ever since the client told him to ditch Barney and replace him with yours truly if he wants to keep the contract) has something special in mind for me. The Molten-Sulphur-and-Hot-Gravel-Mines, perhaps?

I ate a fortune cookie the other week (remembering only slightly afterward to cough out the slip of paper inside) that told me I'd be coming into money and traveling. Could it be that I win the lottery and roam the world? Or is it more likely that I get an unexpected stipend from the company I work for in compensation for not giving me a full retroactive pay raise, and I cave in to the repeated pleas from my friends to move to Calgary?

Even the fortune tasted good.

Several months back, I mentioned that the couple that cleans the second floor at work were getting excited that their daughter would be moving to Canada from the Philippines soon. I eventually realized that they (the father in particular) had been feeling me out to see if I'd be interested in her.

Now, I'm used to being disliked by the parents of whichever femme I'm with. This is the natural order of things, as far as I'm concerned. So it's a little off-putting that her parents seem to like me and that they're pimping the merits of their daughter.

But she arrived on Tuesday, and they brought her by on Thursday. And Friday. And will in perpetuity, I suspect.

She's cute, I'll give her that. And interesting to talk to. But I'm far too creeped out at the apparently approval of her parents to go anywhere with it. Assuming that she'd even want to, of course.

Only slightly related, her dad told me that the only time a Filipino is honest is at the cock fight - because if he's not, they won't let him back in!

He kills me, he does.

I'm going to get something to eat.

Anansi and the Liar's Contest

I've got a friend who's quite taken with Anansi stories. So... this one's for you:





Anansi the Spider lived in Africa.








One fine day, he was walking along a path through the jungle in Africa, just minding his own business, when suddenly, out of the bushes there jumped...








a mosquito









a fly







and a moth!








They jumped on top of Anansi and wrestled him to the ground. Around and around they rolled. First Anansi was on top, and then they were on top.





Around and around they went until they were all exhausted and out of breath, sitting there beside the path.

"Why are you wrestling me like this?" Anansi panted.







"Because we are hungry," said Moth. "We are going to wrestle you down and kill you and then we are going to eat you..."







"No, no..." said Anansi. "I have a better idea. How about I eat you instead!"







"That is a very bad idea," said Fly. "One of you can't wrestle down the three of us. And if you can't wrestle us down, you can't eat us..."







"Well," said Anansi, "you aren't doing a very good job of wrestling me down either. I think we will have to have a contest to see who gets to eat who around here... This is what I propose:"






"We will each tell a story. And we will make our story the most outrageous lie that we can think of.

Now, if any one of you tells a lie that is so good that I am forced to call that story a lie, you win the contest and you may eat me. But if I tell my story and any of you say that it is a lie, I win and I get to eat you. Agreed?"





Mosquito, Fly, and Moth were all well-known liars, so this sounded like a very easy game. Mosquito said that he would tell his story first. This is Mosquito's story:







"Before I was born, my father bought himself a piece of land."







"One day, he went out onto his land with his bush knife to clear away brush and weeds."







"Well, he had just gotten started, when the knife slipped and my father cut himself very badly on the foot. After that, he couldn't work, so... even though I wasn't yet born... I had to plow the fields."






"I had to plant the corn."







"And I had to water and weed the corn until it grew tall and ripe in my father's field."






"When the corn was ripe, I was the one who picked it. I picked the corn and filled my father's grainery right to the top. So, by the time I was born, my father had all that corn and he was quite a wealthy man. Thanks to me! And that's my story!"




Mosquito sat back with a hungry smile on his face. Anansi would have to acknowledge that that story was a lie - you can't plow and plant a fied when you haven't even been born yet - and they would win the contest and have a very nice Anansi lunch.






But Anansi just nodded and said, "A good story, Mosquito! And how true! How true!"







So Fly jumped up and said that he would tell his story. This is the story that Fly told:






"This story happened when I was about four years old. I was eating this elephant that I had just killed, when I heard someone moving through the grass. I looked up..."






"... and there was Leopard coming toward me through the long grass. He hadn't seen me, though, and I thought I would have some fun."






"So I snuck around behind Leopard and made a loud noise... AAAARGGH! Well, Leopard was frightened! He spun around and bared his great white teeth at me! He thought he was going to eat me, but I fooled that leopard."



"I flew into his mouth, I flew right down inside him to the very tip of his tail, I grabbed him by the tip of his tail, and I turned him inside out! As it happened, that leopard had just finished eating a sheep and now the sheep was on the outside and the leopard was on the inside. The sheep was very happy. She thanked me very graciously and went off eating grass."

"And that's my story."




Fly licked his lips as he thought how delicious Anansi was going to taste.







But Anansi disappointed poor Fly. He smiled and said, "Very interesting story, Fly. And how true! How true!"







So Moth was their last chance and they all hoped that Moth had a very good lie to tell. This is the story that Moth told:







"I was out hunting one day, when I spotted an antelope."






"I raised up my gun and I shot at the antelope. BANG! Then I went running as fast as I could. I caught up with the antelope, wrestled it to the ground, and killed it with my bare hands."



I took out my hunting knife and started skinning and cleaning the antelope, and was about half finished when my bullet finally came along. I grabbed the bullet out of the air and put it back in my gun... no point in wasting bullets... and went back to work. In a few minutes, I had the antelope all cut into pieces and piled neatly by the path."




"But I decide that if I sat down to eat it there, someone was going to come along and want a bite. So I took that whole pile of antelope meat up into the highest branches of a tree."




"High up in the tree I lit a fire, and over that fire I roasted the antelope meat. I took a bite - it was delicious! I took another bite... mmmmm! And another bite! well, before I knew it, I had eaten that whole antelope all by myself there in the top of the tree!"



"And then I found, when I went to climb down out of the tree, that I had gotten so fat from eating all that meat, that I couldn't climb. This was a problem, but I thought about it for a few minutes and I came up with a plan. This is what I did..."



"I went back to my village, got a piece of rope, tied that rope around my middle and lowered myself out of the tree!"

"And that's my story!"



The three friends got ready to pounce on nansi. But he said, "Another very good story. Well told, Moth. I will have to remember your trick if I am ever caught up in a tree. Yes, a fine story... and how true! How true!"

"Well," he said, "you guys didn't get to eat me today. Let me tell you my story, and we'll see if I get to eat you..." And this is the story that Anansi told:



"One day I was walking along, and I found a coconut on the ground. I called out and asked if there was anyone around who owned the coconut, and when no one answered I picked up the coconut and took it home."






"I planted the coconut in my garden and out of that coconut grew a beautiful coconut tree."







"On that tree grew... one...two... three... delicious looking coconuts."







"I was hungry, so I took my knife and opened the first coconut. And I couldn't believe my eyes!"






"Out from inside that coconut came flying... a mosquito!"







"I opened the second coconut and, this was very strange, a fly came flying out of this one!"




"I opened the third one and I bet you can guess what came flying out this time... that's right - a plump juicy moth!"




"Well, I said to myself, that was my coconut so whatever grew out of that coconut would belong to me. That means that this is my mosquito... and my fly... and my moth. And if they are mine, I can eat them if I want to. I was just about to do that..."

"... when those three characters went flying off, buzz buzz buzz into the forest. You know, I've been looking for them ever since that day, and it looks like today is my lucky day at last, because here you are!"

"My mosquito! My fly! My moth!"

"And that's my story. And what do you say to that?"

Well, what were they going to say? If they said, "How true, how true!" like Anansi has been saying, that would mean that they belonged to Anansi and he could eat them. But if they called him a liar, he would win the contest and he could eat them anyway.

So what they did was... buzz buzz buzz off into the forest.

Anansi picked himself up and brushed himself off and went on walking down the path. He hadn't gotten any lunch, but he was feeling pretty proud of himself for having won that contest.

And you know, to this very day, if Anansi sees a mosquito or a fly or a moth... he eats them!

THE END